Parents often worry about how divorce will affect their children. There will inevitably be changes. Perhaps one parent is moving out, weekends will look different or the usual family routine has to change. Children notice these things, even when parents try hard to shield them from what is happening.
You can’t remove every difficult feeling that comes with a separation. What you can do is think carefully about how much of the adult side of the divorce your children really need to see.
Tell Them What’s Happening, Without Telling Them Everything
Children need to know what’s going on, but that doesn’t mean they need all the details.
How much you say will naturally depend on their age. A young child may simply need to know where they’ll be sleeping and when they’ll next see Mum or Dad. An older child is likely to have more questions.
They don’t need to hear about arguments over money, what went wrong in the marriage or who you believe was responsible for the separation.
Sometimes the most useful conversations are the simplest ones: explaining what is going to change, what isn’t, and reassuring them that both parents are still there for them.
Try to Keep Arguments Away From the Children
This can be difficult, particularly in the early stages of a separation when emotions are still very raw.
But children shouldn’t find themselves listening to arguments about the divorce or being asked to take sides.
That also means being careful about how you speak about your former partner in front of them. However you may feel about each other as adults, that person is still your child’s parent.
Children can feel caught between the two people they love, particularly if they think agreeing with one parent means being disloyal to the other.
Don’t Make Your Child the Messenger
“Tell your dad I’ll pick you up at six.”
“Ask your mum what she’s doing at Christmas.”
They may sound like harmless requests, but if communication between parents is already strained, children can quickly find themselves passing messages backwards and forwards.
Adult conversations need to stay between the adults.
If speaking directly has become difficult, there are other ways of communicating. Mediation can sometimes help, as can keeping communication in writing or using one of the parenting apps designed for separated families.
Keep Some Familiarity in Their Week
A separation can change quite a lot in a relatively short space of time. Where possible, keeping the ordinary parts of a child’s life ordinary can be reassuring.
School, clubs, seeing friends, bedtime routines and spending time with wider family can provide some much-needed familiarity while other things are changing.
That doesn’t mean both homes have to operate identically. They probably won’t. But knowing what is happening and when can make the new arrangements easier for children to get used to.
Give Them the Chance to Talk
Children don’t always tell you immediately when something is bothering them. Some will have lots of questions. Others might say very little at first. Their feelings may also change as they begin to understand what separation actually means for everyday life.
Give them opportunities to talk without making every conversation about the divorce.
And listen to what they say. Depending on their age, they may have quite strong views about arrangements for school nights, weekends, holidays or simply where their belongings are kept. Listening doesn’t mean that children should be responsible for making adult decisions, but their feelings shouldn’t be dismissed either.
Remember, They May React Differently
There isn’t one typical reaction to parents separating. One child might be angry. Another might become quieter. There may be sadness, worry or confusion, while some children appear to carry on much as they did before.
Brothers and sisters can even respond completely differently to the same situation.
If you’re worried that your child is struggling, support doesn’t have to come solely from within the family. Their school may be able to help, and counselling or other professional support may be worth considering.
What if You Can’t Agree About the Children?
Most parents would rather make arrangements for their children themselves than ask somebody else to decide. When communication has broken down, though, reaching an agreement isn’t always easy.
Mediation can give parents somewhere neutral to discuss the areas they disagree on. Depending on the circumstances, other options may also be available before court proceedings are considered.
If an agreement still can’t be reached and the Family Court is asked to become involved, the focus isn’t on which parent has “won”. The child’s welfare comes first.
Their wishes and feelings can also be considered, depending on their age and understanding. That doesn’t mean a child is asked to choose between their parents. Their views are one part of the wider picture the court will consider.
Finding a Way That Works for Your Family
Divorce changes family life, but it doesn’t change the fact that your children still have two parents.
You won’t get every conversation right. There may be disagreements and there will probably be occasions when plans have to change. What matters is trying to keep children away from the adult conflict and making sure they know they don’t have to choose a side.
If arrangements for your children are becoming difficult to agree, speaking to a family solicitor can be useful before positions become too entrenched.
At Lund Bennett Law, we can talk through what’s happening and look at the different ways child arrangements can be dealt with, including where parents are hoping to keep matters out of court.