Parallel parenting is a form of shared custody that can be beneficial for divorced parents and their children. It allows each parent to handle individual responsibilities while limiting contact with one another, which can be especially helpful in particularly unpleasant or toxic divorces involving domestic abuse or extreme discord.
Rebuilding your life when a relationship ends and healing from any emotional trauma you’ve experienced is difficult enough. Even when you’re ex was abusive, sometimes it’s impossible to cut ties for the sake of your child.
What is parallel parenting?
Co-parenting can often be difficult and even fraught with danger, but parallel parenting offers an alternative. By deliberately limiting communication between parents in a challenging relationship situation it increases safety for everyone involved.
Both parents can make important decisions together, but their individual parenting styles come into play when they have the child in their care. This provides a caring yet protective balance for your little one without forcing you to interact with an ex if it’s not comfortable or healthy – creating clear boundaries that ensure security and peace of mind!
The aim is to facilitate emotional healing from the relationship while prioritising your child’s needs and protecting them from conflict.
To give you the best start after divorce, here’s a few tips for parallel parenting.
Create a parenting plan
It’s best to plan ahead to avoid disagreements. The more prepared you are and the more detailed the plan is, the less you’re likely to argue with your ex and the more minimal the contact is. Minimise stress for your child and ensure your safety by agreeing as much as you can in advance, including:
- Agreeing timing of visits, including dates and start and end times, in writing.
- Establish how to handle cancellations, and when and how they should be communicated.
- Consider how often the child will see each parent?
- Who will attend your child’s functions or doctor visits?
- Agree who will drop them off and pick them up?
- Plan ahead to decide where your child will spend their holidays and birthdays?
- Choose a neutral location or even ask a family member or a trusted friend to pick your child for you.
- Set out financial responsibilities, and dos and don’ts.
- You can figure out logistics using email or another form of communication that doesn’t involve meeting face to face.
Let yourself heal
After leaving a difficult or dangerous relationship, it can be impossible to eliminate contact with the ex-partner completely if there are children involved. However, when communication must remain maintain your needs and support your child while continuing self-care practices such as stress relief throughout this situation. Ultimately, resilience is key – begin by taking steps towards living happily again through focusing on long-term goals unique to you.
Accept the current situation
Coparenting with a difficult ex-partner after divorce can be emotionally draining. It’s only natural to experience feelings of guilt, regret, shame and anger in such trying circumstances – especially when the other parent has your shared child involved. Instead of dwelling on these negative emotions or feeling as if things aren’t fair, focus instead on providing unconditional love and support for your kid. Acceptance is key here; while it may not seem ideal that you still have contact with an abusive partner now that you’ve split up, all one can do is make the best out of their present situation.
Keep communication to the minimum
Only communicate with your ex when it’s necessary. Agree to contact them via email or use a parenting app, and document every interaction. Keep your communication impersonal and matter of fact, discussing only topics that relate to your child and sharing no personal information or detail. Try not to let your ex provoke you or use your child as a messenger. It can be difficult not to ruminate on the relationship whenever an email pops up or whenever your child is spending time with them. Try to distance yourself and treat interaction with your ex as a business that’s necessary to keep your child happy.
Appoint a mediator
Despite the difficult emotions often surrounding divorced parents, mediation can provide a vital service. It allows both parties to communicate openly and honestly about their worries for their children’s needs in an environment that is safe and respectful so they can reach agreements beneficial for all involved. By bringing together diverse perspectives from each parent, mediators are able to help create plans which bring families peace of mind during tough times.
Parallel parenting can be challenging and confusing, and the details of an arrangement will depend on the individual situation. Consider getting advice from a professional.