Even without dealing with their parents’ separation, teenagers have to cope with a lot. The teenage years are a time of great change – in friendships and feelings and, of course, hormones. So there’s a lot going on in their lives already! Meanwhile, heavy demands are often being made in school, college or university.
It can be useful to remember this when you talk to your teenager. Their reaction to your separation (or other things happening at a similar time) may be surprising or challenging. Try not to be disheartened if it’s not a positive experience.
Many teenagers find it hard to express their feelings. Still, your teenager needs to know that you’re there for them when they’re ready to talk – and you need to be prepared for that moment.
Preparing to talk
Before talking to your teenager, be realistic about what you want to achieve. Work together with their other parent, if possible. Teenagers will respect you both more when you’re saying the same things.
The following can help you prepare for talking:
- Think of three key messages you’d like to get across. For example: “It’s OK to come and talk to me anytime.”
- Consider what potential hurdles might affect getting these messages across.
- Jot down the three hurdles you fear most.
- Plan how you can react to them in a positive way.
Remember and reflect
It can be useful to remember that you were a teenager once too. Take some time to think about your own teenage struggles and what might have helped you then.
You may also want to consider the kind of relationship you have with your teenager already. Do they open up and come to you for support, or are they more comfortable at a distance?
Having regularly conversations can help
Having regular conversations with your teenager about how they’re feeling and coping with your separation can help them talk about problems when they’re ready. During the conversation try to do the following things to make talking to your teenager easier:
- Find a neutral space, for example out walking or in the car (remember some teenagers find eye contact awkward).
- Use open questions (those requiring more than yes/no answers). Asking, “How do you feel about ”¦?”allows your teenager to express themselves.
- Accept what you hear, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Only they know how they truly feel.
- Don’t feel you have to offer explanations or solutions.
- Try to avoid negative or critical words about your ex. Expect your teenager’s feelings toward their other parent to be different to yours.