Tips for telling children you’re separating
Your children’s needs will depend upon their age and development, but you may find the following advice for breaking the news of your separation helpful:
- Avoid giving your children details they don’t need, such as information about affairs.
- Use language your children will understand.
- Reassure your children that it’s OK to be upset and use words and cuddles to comfort. Let them know you both still love them and your separation is not their fault.
- Describe how your children’s world will change from their point of view, e.g. “Daddy will still pick you up from school but won’t be here to put you to bed.”
- Don’t be afraid to say you don’t know the answer to something. You can tell your children you’ll find out, or that when you know you’ll tell them.
- Let them know they can talk to you again if they want to, or ask questions at a later time.
It can help to remain in familiar surroundings after you’ve told your children about your separation, and for both parents to be around afterwards.
If one parent is leaving, tell the children when this will be, where they’ll be going, when they’ll see them again and how they can be contacted when they’re not around.
It can help to think about yourself at the same age your child is now. Try working through these questions and plan what the ‘child you’ would have preferred:
- What were your favourite hobbies or activities?
- How did you communicate with people – were you a chatty or a quiet child?
- Were you tactile or reserved?
- Were you sensitive or unfazed by emotional situations?
- Now imagine what you as a young child would need, want or like from an adult that was trying to talk to you.
Engaging with your ‘child self’ in this way, may help you to engage with what your child wants when you come to talking with them about difficult topics.
Telling young children you’re separating
The age of your children will affect how you talk to them. You may find the following helpful for talking to young children:
- Plan to be in familiar surrounding, where they feel comfortable.
- Aim for “little but often”. It can be hard for young children to concentrate.
- Offer games, drawing or another play activity for your children to keep their eyes on while they talk to you. This can also help you manage the length of your conversation.
- Help your children understand emotions by using physical descriptions. For example, they may understand “frustrated” or “worried” better if they’re described as a tummy ache, or a twisting, scrunching feeling.
- Get creative. If it’s hard for your children to use words to identify or describe their feelings you could, for example, ask them to do a drawing or to act out their feelings. Comment on what they do and what you like about it. Say if you feel the same too.
- Sum up what your children say to check you’ve understood them properly and show you’re really listening.
- Let your children know that whatever they’re feeling it’s OK.
- Avoid speaking badly of your children’s other parent. It may put them off talking to you.